Can´t Let It Go
by freiheitfuehlen
Summary: Is it Merder? Is it Addek? Probably a little bit of both, but mainly it´s Derek. Go on, read and let me know what you think please.


**Disclaimer**: I don´t own anything. No money´s made by this. I´m just borrowing to play with them

**A/N:** Is it Merder? Is it Addek? Probably a little bit of both, but mainly it´s Derek. Go on, read and let me know what you think please.

This has been a request, so here you go, Anna. I hope you like it.

Thank you very much, Pia (wanderer 78), for betaing my story.

The lyrics are from Damien Rice´s song Cheers Darling.

Cheers darlin'

Here's to you and your lover boy

Cheers darlin'

I got years to wait around for you

Cheers darlin'

I've got your wedding bells in my ear

Cheers darlin'

You give me three cigarettes to smoke my tears away

And I die when you mention his name

And I lied, I should have kissed you

When we were running the reins

What am I darlin'?

A whisper in your ear?

A piece of your cake?

What am I, darlin?

The boy you can fear?

Or your biggest mistake?

Cheers darlin'

Here's to you and your lover man

Cheers darlin'

I just hang around and eat from a can

Cheers darlin'

I got a ribbon of green on my guitar

Cheers darlin'

I got a beauty queen

To sit not very far from me

I die when he comes around

To take you home

I'm too shy

I should have kissed you when we were alone

He was supposed to be the happiest man in the world. It was a sunny and warm day in spring. He was dancing in a fancy tux, wearing expensive Italian shoes (she would have been so thrilled to see that he finally realized how important good shoes were, just for his sake, of course) and with his bride in his arms. They had waited so long for each other; and after what seemed like forever he went down on his knees and asked her for her hand. She said yes and what followed was a marathon of invitations, parties, and family gatherings where people always told them that they knew this was going to happen and how they were made for each other.

He was supposed to be the happiest man in the world with a bride in his arms who smelled so lovingly like lavender, she always used this conditioner because she knew he loved it, and looked so beautiful in her beige wedding dress with the perfectly applied make up and the glistering diamond ring on her finger. And she was his, finally his, and would be for the rest of his life.

He was supposed to be the happiest man in the world because everything

seemed to be copied from a fairytale; the weather, the bride, and the best man's speech; which had not left one single dry eye. And the guests seemed so happy while they were dancing, laughing and telling funny anecdotes about the bride and groom. There was a lot, and he had to chuckle remembering how they started out in the first place, and what funny moments they shared.

He was supposed to be the happiest man in the world and so he was tightening the grip around the waist of his new wife, smelling her scent one last time before the song ended and the two pulled apart. They were locking eyes briefly before parting to head off in different directions.

He was supposed to be the happiest man in the world and still he didn't quite feel like that. Something was missing, he felt it. He couldn't put his finger on what was missing, but it felt like his left foot or arm. He looked around helplessly while the feeling was starting to strangle his lungs. He was gazing through the crowd, his eyes begging for help.

He didn't want to feel like that, he wanted to be the happiest man in the world , he deserved that, SHE deserved it. She had been waiting so patiently for so long, waited for him to move on, leave his past and its scars forever burned in his soul, so far behind that he was able to love her completely and commit with his whole being. And he did love her and wanted for her nothing but the best, so he needed to try and get himself back together.

He closed his eyes for a moment and inhaled deeply. When he opened his eyes again to look down on his hand with the new wedding band, he knew. He knew what was missing; he knew why he felt incomplete.

She wasn't there. Slowly and carefully he let his gaze wander through the crowd. Maybe he had just overlooked her. Maybe she was there somewhere in a hidden spot, silently watching the ceremony. He knew that it must have been difficult for her to come or even to receive the invitation. He remembered the look on Meredith's face when he told her that he was going to invite Addison, his ex wife and former best friend, to their wedding. But he needed her to be there and he knew that it must have seemed selfish and cruel to want her at his wedding with the one person that he knew would hurt Addison. But this once hurting her wasn't his intention; he just needed her to be there, to look him in the eyes and sincerely and honestly wish him good luck, and all the best. He needed her to be there, stand by his side and give him the strength to face this new chapter of his life that sometimes could seem so frightening. When they'd been younger, way back in med school, they had only been dating for a few months; they had sat together on the top of the Empire State Building where they had had the best view over the city.

It'd been a stressful time, a lot of their friends had broken up with their significant other, and Addison's big brother had gotten divorced after only one and a half years of marriage. And love had seemed to get less important in a world that was reigned by money and greed. Back then they had sworn, vowed to each other, that no matter what they would never let their romance kill off their friendship. And that in case of a break up that they would still want to remain friends. And come that day, they would lead the other one to the altar, no matter if they were going to marry the other or not. They had been naive back then, faithful, but naive. Well none of them had believed, or had wanted to believe, in the possibility of not spending the rest of their lives with the other one.

Who could have predicted that about one and a half decades later they would have to face the failure of their marriage? Time had erased every bit of juvenile naivety and fate had played its dirty and painful game with them. First she cheated, and then he cheated. And somehow they had long ago started cheating by not communicating, by pretending and hiding. And they had failed. They had not been able to save their friendship, the wounds had run too deep, and the emotional scars had already been carved in both of their souls and hearts. And so they had separated; in the belief that that was the only way to save both of them from becoming numb and drowning in the nothingness.

They had gotten divorced and Addison had returned to New York. She had told him that she needed that space to think, to mourn and to move on. He had accepted her decision, although it had pained him to not have her by his side even though they hadn't been together any longer. He was used to having her around, to ask for her opinion, to have pointless arguments, and to make up later in bed. It was only her presence had made him more confident and stronger in a weird way that only they'd really felt.

It took him a really long time to be able to start dating again. Dating Meredith. After 11+ years of marriage and even more of friendship, he'd needed time to mourn this loss in order to be able to commit again. Because this time he hadn't pretended that Addison didn't exist. He had been well aware of what he was losing, and leaving behind when he kissed her good bye one last time at the airport. Holding her in his arms, as tight as he'd never had before; and when he let her go, let her slip out of his embrace, he felt all the expectations on him crumble, leaving a big, empty gap. And refilling the gap, that's what had been taking him so long.

He was still been the Derek everyone had known; the Derek that seemed to take everything with an arrogant amount of easiness and carelessness. But those who really knew him, had seen how hard all that had been on him and how hard it had been for him to stand up again.

After all that Derek didn't feel the least bit guilty for wanting, needing Addison to be here, to keep her promise. Derek was thinking about his next planned step. He wasn't sure if it was right, if it was okay to do that today, but he needed to do it so desperately that he decided to do it anyway.

He was heading towards a group of people, in the middle of them was Meredith laughing and smiling beautifully. He was leaning against her back and started whispering something in her ear. Meredith just nodded slightly and turned around to kiss him softly on his lips.

A few minutes later Derek entered an empty room and closed the door behind him. He was sitting down on a wooden chair when he was searching his pocket for his mobile phone to dial the familiar number.

He was sighing heavily before pressing the call button. He had no idea what to say, he just knew that he needed to hear her voice.

"Hello," a tired voice answered. He recognized her voice immediately and began smiling slightly.

"Hi, Addie." That was all he could manage to say before his voice broke.

There was silence on the other end. A silence so filled with emotion that it would have been able to make everyone on this planet deaf if it had had the ability to scream.

"You didn't show."

"Derek..." He heard her sighing.

"You didn't show, but you promised to be there for me and I needed you to be there. I just...wished you had come." His voice wasn't accusing or angry. He spoke these words softly as if he had to encourage himself to say every single letter. He knew this was weird and painful for both of them.

"Derek..." Her voice began to break as he heard her sighing again. "...Why are you calling me? Aren't you supposed to be celebrating on your wedding day with your bride instead of calling your ex wife?" She didn't mean to sound so harsh, but she felt so overwhelmed by her emotions that she lost control over her words and voice.

"Addie, please don't let us do that again. Don't let us fight."

"Then why, Derek, why did you call me?"

"I don't know. I mean I was supposed to be the happiest man in the world and I was dancing and everything was fine, but somehow I felt that something was missing and I didn't know what it was, only that it made me feel…incomplete, like my foot was missing, you know. And it scared me and I didn't want to feel like that and I was trying to calm down when I knew." He paused for a few seconds because he knew that what he was about to say might make the tension between them unbearable.

"You weren't there and I know that it must sound weird that on my wedding day I wanted nothing more than for you to be there, like we promised years ago on the top of the Empire State Building. I needed you today. I needed that best friend that promised to hold my hand years ago."

"I fear that person got lost somewhere between then and now. God, Derek, we were so young then, so naive. We never even wasted one second to think about the possibility of not being together for the rest of our lives. We laughed at fate and thought we'd conquer all as long as we were together. And look where we are now, 3000 miles apart because in the end we couldn't even be in the same room anymore without fighting and hurting each other. I made that promise intending to keep it, but all the pretending has made me so fragile that I fear one false word or look could blow me into a million pieces."

"I'm sorry, Addie." He knew that wasn't helping or consoling her, but at the moment that was all he could say.

"I know. I am too." She sounded so tired that for one brief moment he considered saying good bye and hanging up. He didn't do it because there was still so much to say that he feared he would never get the chance to say if not now. And there was the silence again. Both careful not to break it for fear to say the wrong words that could make the other one build up the invisible shield again.

"Derek?"

"Yeah."

"I wish you good luck and I hope she can make you happy. That's all I ever wanted for you, happiness." She meant those words and he knew it from the sincerity she spoke with.

"Thank you!" This phrase was used so often that at times it wasn't meaning anything at all anymore, but not now. Now, after 11+ years of marriage, she didn't have to hear more to know how much her words meant to him. She knew because she felt the same way.

"Derek?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you happy?" She wasn't asking this because she hoped he'd say no and declare his everlasting love for her and that he couldn't live or be happy without her. She asked that question because she was worried he wasn't and that that was why he'd called.

"Yes." And he was. He loved Meredith and was happy to be with her, finally and legally. Though this moment felt so good and right, this honest and long awaited conversation between him and the person he once thought of as the love of his life. She'd always own a very special place in his heart; they had history and had gone through so much. But was she still the love of his life? If someone had asked him this weeks or months ago, he would have probably laughed about it slightly and would have walked away. But now with what happened today, and in this moment right now, he wasn't so sure about it anymore. He knew that he still loved her, probably was even still in love with her. He had always loved her in a way that he had never loved before and had never loved afterwards, not even with Meredith. With Meredith love was different. It was innocent and uncomplicated. There were no scars and wounds of past mistakes and failures. He could look at her and only see her, he could kiss her and only feel his lips pressed against hers and he could talk to her and only hear her voice answering his questions. With Meredith love was different and easier.

With Addison love meant sacrifice and pain. Whenever he looked at her, he saw him looking at her, admiring her beauty. Whenever he kissed her, he saw him kissing her, breathing in her scent. Whenever he talked to her, he heard him making her compliments and telling her how much he loved her. They both had wounds that were so deep that he was afraid they'd never heal. When he first looked at her he knew that she would be the woman he'd spend the rest of his life with and he tried everything to make her think the same about him. Yes, loving Addison was painful, complicated and anything but easy, but he had never loved like that and probably never would. So he could say that Addison was the love of his life and no one would ever take her place, but that wasn't necessary because as he knew love was never the same and shouldn't be compared. He loved Addison and Meredith, both at the same time, differently and truly, and knowing that he'd made his peace with that, that he didn't have to choose anymore, made him the happiest man in the world.

"Good," That's all she could say and all she needed to say because he'd understand. "I think maybe you should go back. They are probably already searching for you."

"Yes. Probably. But Addie...?" There was one thing left that he needed her to know.

"Mmm…"

"I just want you to know and please believe me that I've never regretted us, not even after Mark, not one single second." He hoped she had heard him and believed him.

"I do believe you. I haven't either."

He was breathing out relief. Now there was nothing left to say, nothing that they both didn't know or needed the other to know. The time had come to say goodbye.

"Then I think I should head back. Mm...bye, Addie."

"Bye, Derek."

"I love you." He couldn't say these words to her during the last months of their marriage when she needed to hear them so badly and now, years later; they slipped so easily off of his tongue without sounding fake or forced.

"I love you, too." She said and hung up the phone. She had, she did and she always would.

the end


End file.
